Meta-Game: The Autograph Seeker vs. The Book Reviewer
Someone asked me on twitter recently the difference between game and meta-game. This article sums it up perfectly.
From the article:
You can be the one asking, “Would you like to go out with me? Would you like to kiss me? Would you like to go to bed with me?” You’re basically asking her to autograph your book. You don’t bring a lot to the table except for a little starry-eyed admiration (aka ass-kissing). And if she complies, she’s basically doing you a favor.
On the other hand, you could be the one who brings a lot of value and not a lot of time. You know a ton of people in town. You’re a great cook, an expert masseur, and pretty darn good in the sack. You’ve got two high-level networking events per night, you’re going on a fun trip Saturday and Sunday, you’ve got a meeting with a “friend” on Friday night, and you’re taking off for Europe for the whole month of June.
There are a couple of hours free on Sunday after 4pm, however. And who are you again? And remind me why these precious hours of repose should be shared with you?
Mind you, you’re not being a dick about it. It’s just the reality of your life. You’re a busy guy. You have options. In fact, more options are popping up all the time. Something has to be really interesting to jump the queue and get priority in your life.
Now I’m here to tell you that you don’t actually need to be a book reviewer to act like one. It’s a stance, and the price of adopting a stance – being the pursuer vs the pursued, the courter vs the courted, the seller vs the buyer – is exactly zero. And yet, the additional power you get by adopting the right stance is huge.
In The Tao of Dating for Men, I call this the picky buyer stance.
This is called setting the frame. If you set the frame right, you win, even when you lose. And if you set the frame wrong, you lose, even if you win.
This is game theory, pure and simple. Let me explain: if you are a busy guy with a lot going on, and she can’t show up at 4pm Sunday for whatever reason, that means she’s not a good fit for you. You have just stopped wasting time and energy on this one, and you win.
On the other hand, if you somehow supplicate your way into her pants, or get on your knee and she says “I do”, then you may think you’ve gotten the girl, but she owns your ass. You lose.
So is there any reason why you would go back to being the supplicant, the seller, the autograph-seeker? I really can’t think of any. I want to see you happy and powerful, and begging doesn’t strike me as the way to do it.
But I want you to take this beyond just a mere stance and to really BE that powerful guy. Get your career in order so you’re doing something that gives your life meaning – and a decent income, too. Become a social hub, like I describe in The Tao of Social Networking(free bonus that comes with the Tao of Dating for Men). Acquire skills that translate directly into her neurons bathing in a jacuzzi of ecstatic neurotransmitters. I mention the holy trinity of cooking, massage and sexual know-how, and there’s no reason you can’t be expert-level in those three with 6 months of solid training.
I want it to be not just a stance but the truth of your life that you’re a productive, busy, sought-after kind of guy, because that is its own reward beyond any validation a woman can give you. Don’t just fake it — make it.
We would all do well to keep this in mind.
Narcissistic Daddy's Girls Despise Men
There are daddy’s girls who are very successful. I have read many accounts of women who favored their father over their mother because he was emotionally more accessible. Mother was distant and cold. Many daddy’s girls grow up to be confident women. Since early childhood they have felt the special love and bond of a father who communicates to this child that she is capable of doing anything she chooses. Her horizons are limitless. The protective and open love and affection of a wonderful father has a powerful effect of solidfying and strengthening the psychological core of the daughter.
In the case of the narcissistic daddy’s girl the pattern of behavior and the messages the narcissistic father sends his daughter cause great psychological harm to her. If she is adored over the mother and there is an abnormal erotic tie between the two of them, the daughter learns that she can manipulate her father and get whatever she wants. She flirts with him and the father reciprocates by promising her she is the only love of her life. Altenenirhough there is no overt sexual interplay between the two of them, the strong pull of eros is always in the air. Fathers of narcissistic daddy’s girls are often narcissistic. The young daughter learns to worship at the throne of the father’s grandiose false self. She watches how he connives and manipulates his spouse, children, in-laws, siblings and everyone else in his life. She thrills to the glances he gives her saying without words: “You are my favorite-Even my wife cannot compete with you.” The daughter believes these messages and is besotted with dad. She wants to be exactly like him. He is her master teacher. As she moves through adolescence and young adulthood, this daughter gathers momentum in the ruthless art of getting men to fall in love with her. She often has more than one on the string at any given time. She knows how to juggle men the way her dad juggles his girlfriends.
When surveys the environment of men and finds that she gets all of the attention. If she is physically attractive and magnetic, she can have her pick. Now a fully developed narcissistic personality, the daughter chooses a man to marry, not because she loves him but to fulfill her grand vision of her own life. Deep inside she knows that if this doesn’t work out, she will be free to choose someone else.
The narcissistic daddy’s girl has struck a deal not a marriage. She has found pure gold in a man over whom she has complete control, who will further her highest career ambitions, enhance her social connections and never say No to her. Deep down she hates her partner and all other men. She views them as weak and malleable—not very smart. NDG’s victimize men throughout their lives, leaving many broken hearts and financial disasters in their wake.
6 Things You Should Forgive Yourself For
1. FORGIVE YOURSELF FOR NOT ACCEPTING YOURSELF COMPLETELY
2. FORGIVE YOURSELF FOR CONSTANTLY SEEKING APPROVAL IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES
3. FORGIVE YOURSELF FOR THINKING YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH
4. FORGIVE YOURSELF FOR YOUR PAST MISTAKES
5. FORGIVE YOURSELF FOR ALL THE JUDGMENTS YOU’VE PLACED ON YOURSELF AND OTHERS
6. FORGIVE YOURSELF FOR GIVING UP ON YOUR HOPES, DREAMS AND GOALS.
Dear Coquette: On a sociopath.
I read in one of your responses to a question that if you feel guilt when you cheat, steal or lie that it’s good news because you are not a sociopath. I do not feel any remorse or guilt when I do these things. Actually I quite enjoy doing these things and the feeling that comes after knowing…
If you do what you love, and what you’re proud of then you’re fucking bulletproof. You’re fucking bulletproof. If you do what you absolutely believe to be right, you are fucking bulletproof.
—Craig Ferguson (via itscandidlycara)
(via agirlinastory)
Dear Coquette: On red flags and open relationships.
I met a guy last week at a gay friend’s party. We hit it off, but he is bisexual and doesn’t believe in monogamy. I am also bisexual, a woman who mainly sleeps with men, and sees marriage to a man in my future. I have considered open relationships but have never tried one. A…
Dear Coquette: On fun-sized advice.
How can you tell if a guy is using you for physical gratification or if he actually cares for you?
If I’m having consensual sex with a guy, it’s not possible for him to use me, because I accept personal responsibility for the decisions I make with my own body.
